Letter to my daughters and sons sitting A’ Level (pt 2)

Last week, I started off my letter to all my daughters and sons who are sitting for A’ Level this
year. Today, I get to sum up my letter to you all.
My daughters and sons, don’t take a lot of comfort in condoms as they are only safe if the user
is knowledgeable about their proper usage. They should also have been stored properly,
should not be expired, should be acquired from a trusted source, and handled with care. Ask
yourself; what role you play in any of the stages above to make sure they are safe. None. Are
those reckless young men you might sleep with, bothered, or even aware of all these safety
measures? No. To make matters worse, many times they lack self-control, so the ball is in your
court to take control otherwise, as women, you are more easily exploited and thus are on the
losing side.
Male circumcision reduces “female to male”, and not “male to female” infection. So don’t be
lured into thinking circumcision is safe. What’s worse, some boys have even gone on the
rampage because they wrongly think they are safe and immune to infection after circumcision.
In our community, boys propose to the girls, so boys can deliberately avoid sexually
transmitted HIV if they choose to abstain. Girls, however, face the challenge that every Tom,
Dick, and Harry will hit on them at will, many times in annoying ways. Simply develop a
“crocodile skin” and make it your pre-occupation to send such idlers where they belong; direct
to hell.
Men from all walks of life will make passes at you regardless of whether you hold them in high
or low esteem. They may also be anything to you; your pastor, your lecturer, your doctor, your
friend, your dad’s friend, and strangers alike. You simply need to develop the skills to decipher
their plan.
Many nice people also keep changing their colours to the environment and circumstances. You
have read in the papers about godly people who leave the pulpit and turn into rapists when
they encounter a lone lady in a private room. Survival is for the fittest; you will not create a
world of your own with perfect people, so simply be on the alert all the time.
Male pressure and demands happen in many ways and these include but are not limited to
persuasion and incentives in the form of favours and/or expensive fancy gifts. On the other
hand, they may use threats, intimidation, or blackmail. Do not succumb; use your wisdom to
find a way around the situation. If you run out of ideas, call Dad.
But supposing a particular male appeals to you?
If possible, for now, avoid splitting your attention until you successfully attain at least your first
degree as love affairs can be very stressful. Only God can explain why this is so.
But I will hasten to add that at 20, if you meet an appealing male, first refer to my previous
letter on the “ABCD” of choosing a future partner. Sometimes love can be blinding, but don’t
allow yourself to be blind for too long; rediscover your sight quickly and realize that you are
about to make a lifetime commitment.
When someone approaches you, you have the upper hand and are in control of the situation.
You also at the moment have nothing to lose so take your time and don’t allow yourself to be
rushed in your decision-making. Secondly, remember, easy come easy go; never allow early
intimacy as you will be devastated when you are used and dumped.
Think of love and happiness as being more important than material things. Men who front
material items and money are normally from wealthy families but are often not “men enough”.
They have never struggled in life but were simply spoon-fed. The sons of the rich are also
usually arrogant and disrespectful and it is only in rare circumstances that such men look at
life in its right perspective. They tend to think that everything, including love, can be bought
with money. Riches are good, but first, get ‘binoculars’ and scan beyond what you can
immediately see.
The people you associate with are normally the people to take interest in you, so associate
with people who matter, people who are developmental, people who have plans for their future,
people who fear God, people with a character you appreciate. You will find such people by
socializing at intellectual conferences, meetings, weddings, and social gatherings that attract
people of the calibre you desire.
Stretch the courting period long enough to any level of comfort before you commit. You are
better off alone than in an unhappy relationship.
Managing expectations
At 20, you must have started to decipher reality from myths. You are transiting from living the
imaginary life of movie and novel stars to that of real and normal human beings. Enjoy the
movies and novels and fantasize, but when it comes to planning for your future, think in terms
of real-life and things that are attainable and then work hard to get them.
Whatever we do in life has challenges, and it was God’s plan that we should never be idle until
we die. Whenever one is idle, the brain becomes Satan’s rest house and the physical body
degenerates into terminal illnesses, like high blood pressure and diabetes.
Managing expectations, like all other aspects of life, is a challenge. To take a few basic
examples: Has anyone ever let you down, even by simply borrowing a book and failing to return
it as promised? Have you ever hoped for something to happen, only for it to fail to work out as
you expected? Has one of your requests to me (Dad) ever met with a response you least
expected? Many times you have written exams and felt like you got 85% only to get your paper
back with a 69%.
These situations are common to everyone; it is only the extent of the disappointment that
differs among people but such situations can be very discouraging. However, you can reduce
the negative impact on your life by preparing in advance.
People are not going to do what you want them to do and it is as simple as that: Very many
events, planned and unplanned, will not go on as intended because in nature we seem to work
against negatives to progress. Without friction, we would not walk or drive.
We are friends, family members, and schoolmates that we trust and rely on. Indeed, many
times they do things that are in alignment with what we expect and feel good. Occasionally,
however, the same nice people will do some things that are different from our preconceived
expectations. In such moments, we develop negative feelings about our confidants, but
whether they feel sorry about the situation or not is irrelevant.
Remember, the only person whose feelings you have control over is yourself. The trick is to
free yourself from attachment to any outcome that is based on someone else’s action and/or
omissions, and simply be ready to accept what comes, then decide what to do.
As long as you expect other people to always do what you want, you will forever be setting
yourself up for possible disappointment. This is not because people are always going to let
you down, but because eventually, someone else’s decision may not be in line with what you
would like or expect.
If you have prepared in advance to accept that the outcome may not necessarily be 100% of
your expectations, you will have contained the negative impact if indeed the outcome is less
than planned. Whereas depending on other people is part of society, making yourself
dependent on other people’s actions is strictly a personal decision and you should be ready to
accept the outcome.
The argument is not that you should simply go through life without desiring any given result,
but that you should avoid getting attached to that result. If things work out, that is great, if they
don’t, it should not be the end of the world. Managing your expectations will shield you from
any potential emotional self-destruction, and therefore you are better able to move on and take
advantage of other opportunities.
The writer is the headteacher/team leader for Kitebi Secondary School